Wishful Thinking: Gay Erotic Romance (Part 1)

I was heading home. Back to where I'd shattered the heart of my first love.

It was either let the family farm, the place I'd grown up and loved, go to ruin and bankruptcy, or as their only child, give up my lucrative career as a state attorney to help my parents out.

The decision wasn't an easy one. My friends all tried to talk me out of the direction I was leaning. There were pros and cons I had to consider. One of the pros being I couldn't imagine the farm being run by anyone other than our family. It had been under our stewardship for generations.

And I loved the manual labor, working outside in the elements. Caring for the dairy cows that produced the most creamy and incredible milk. We were one of the few Jersey farms in the state.

The cons were I would need to give up everything I'd worked the last twelve years for. The high-powered job. The fancy apartment. The cars … how I would miss my cars.

I'd be trading them in for a pickup truck that could handle the rutted gravel roads that were the main routes throughout the small town I once called home.

Then there was William. My high school sweetheart. We'd been inseparable until the day he changed his mind and didn't want to move away to the big city with me to attend college.

My mom sometimes mentioned him. He was working on a cattle ranch on the far outskirts of town. She would see him on occasion in the feed and tack store buying dewormer and the like.

I never managed to gather the courage to ask her if he was with someone. As far as my mom knew, William and I had simply been best friends. She had no idea we were gay and were once together.

I’d made my decision. I looked around the room at my farewell party. I recalled the phone call I made to my parents telling them I'd decided to come home. To run the farm. To change the course of my life.

They'd been thrilled but expressed a level of guilt that made me uncomfortable. They had nothing to feel guilty about. They were aging. They couldn't cope with the farm anymore.

I could, and besides, it was in my roots. In my very DNA to be a dairy farmer. I used to love helping my dad in the early mornings before the sun rose. The cool air, the smell of the cow barn, and the gentle mooing as if they were glad to see us as we opened the doors.

The ice in my whiskey was melting. I took a long sip. I knew how to clean and hook up teats from the time I was five. I'd always been ravenous to learn everything about the business.

Not sure when that changed.

Probably when William started talking about becoming a lawyer. I'd been caught up in the idea. Being a dairy farmer became less and less appealing. Then, after we'd both applied and been accepted into the same college, William had bailed.

It was almost out of spite that I went anyway.

I was furious with him. Wanted out of town so badly, I left two days after graduating from high school. Found a job at a coffee shop to keep my mind occupied. Every day I thought about him. And every day, I had to force him out of my brain. It was too painful to remember him.

For the first month, I kept expecting William to turn up at my city apartment. Tell me he made a huge mistake. That he wanted to attend college with me.

That he wanted me.

By September, I'd given up hope. It was wishful thinking on my part. We'd been in love, but even that wasn't enough. What did two teenagers know about being in love anyway? We'd been naïve and caught up in the connection we had formed. The stolen kisses and sleepovers.

"You all right?"

I smiled at Mackensie. "Yup. Just a bit sad."

"You can always change your mind. You know what they say. You can never go home again."

"I know it'll be different. Not the same place I grew up. I'm prepared for that."

"What if you've grown too soft for that type of work?"

"It's all I knew until I was eighteen. It'll be like riding a bike."

"But you made the top 30 under 30."

"That was last year. I'm over that particular hill now." I drained the last of the liquid in my glass. "It'll be fine. Maybe I'll find it relaxing in comparison to attorney life."

"You mean boring."

I shook my head. "You wouldn't understand. There's something primal about standing on your own land looking out at the grassy horizon, knowing it's all yours."

"They're really going to sign the farm over to you."

"It's time. I think I always knew I'd be going back home someday. Came sooner than I expected. I thought I would have a life with someone by now. Maybe a couple of kids."

"I feel you. The men in this city are elusive. Especially the ones who want to marry and have a family."

I frowned. I often wondered if I stayed if William and I would be married by now. Come out to our parents, lived together, and eventually took the plunge to be husbands.

It was a dream I had often.

"You off in William land again?"

Mackensie knew my history. We'd been best friends for over eight years. We met in college and became each other's person. She knew all my deep dark secrets and desires.

"Hard not to. I'm going to run into him eventually."

"And you're not sure what you're going to say to him."

I sighed. "Exactly." I hadn't told William I was leaving home until the day before I did. We were curled up in my bed after having sex when I'd dropped the bombshell on him.

He tore out of my house so fast; he forgot to put on his shoes.

I'd tried texting him, but it soon became obvious he had blocked my number. I figured it was for the best. It wasn't a clean break, but it was a definite one.

It killed me that I had broken his heart. We had talked about doing the long-distance thing. But I was unconvinced it would work. Neither of us wanted to live where the other would be.

I'd decided to be the asshole. Stretching it out wasn't going to make it hurt less.

"When do you leave?"

"As soon as I put the last of my stuff into storage." I knew I wasn't coming back, but some delusional part of me didn't want to completely let go of my city life. Maybe I could redecorate the farmhouse with the furniture and décor I had procured with my generous salary.

As well as the farm, the house would be mine. My mom and dad had decided to buy an apartment in town. Leave me free to find a suitable wife and raise a family.

I was going to be breaking the news to them as soon as I returned home. I'd kept them in the dark about my sexuality for long enough. Not sure why. They were the most liberal people I knew.

Probably because I would inevitably tell them about William, and they would know what we'd been up to during our many sleepovers. Every Friday and Saturday night without fail.

We'd been each other's first. We had learned our bodies together. What we liked. What we didn't like. How we could light one another up with a single touch.

Sex had never felt as pure as it did with William. I'd slept with dozens of men since. Not a single one of them ever compared to what I'd felt with my first love. Even the few relationships I'd had never felt as though they reached the same depth of my soul.

William had ruined me.

I was glad when the party started to break up, everyone saying their goodbyes and good luck to me. I had a few more boxes to pack. Designer clothes mostly. Even those were going into storage. I only needed a few pairs of jeans, a handful of t-shirts, underwear, socks, and a warm fleece sweater to last me the summer. I could pick up rainwear before the fall weather hit.

I'd kept my work boots.

I knew why I brought them to the city with me. Even though they had been covered in dirt and sat at the back of my closet, they had brought me a sense of peace knowing the earth of my ancestors still clung to them. That some part of me still belonged to the land.

My brain was frazzled by my decision, but my heart knew where it wanted to be. Three days later, I was driving my brand-new pickup truck across the country. City streets turned rural quickly. I tried to stay in motels in small towns along the way, not wanting a reminder of city life.

On the afternoon of the fourth day, I took the road into the town I knew as well as the beat of my own heart. There were some changes. Buildings and a park along Main Street that wouldn't have surprised me if I had made it home for a visit with my parents.

Never had. Never wanted to run into William.

Now, I didn't have a choice. I could try to hide out at the farm, but eventually, I would need to come into town. I rolled down the street that would lead me out to the farm.

Shit.

I almost jammed on the brakes. I would recognize him anywhere. He was older. His hair longer and with an abundance of dark curls. He was as gorgeous as the day I had seen him last.

I stared at him as I slowed my truck, wanting to drink him in as he loaded a massive water trough into the back of his truck. I stopped breathing when he looked up … and spotted me.

The scowl he gave me told me everything I needed to know. He hated me.

I stomped on the gas and took off; my face heating. He'd hung on to that hurt. The hurt I had caused. Now he knew I was in town. He had likely heard I was coming back for good. My mom wouldn't have kept quiet about it. Small towns. Everyone in everyone's business.

I replayed the look he had given me. I knew this was going to happen. My return had torn open old wounds for both of us. Here I was, barging back into a domain I'd left him to suffer in.

"Fuck!"

I slammed my hands on my steering wheel. Tears gathered along my lower lids and then spilled down my cheeks. He'd felt anger when he saw me … I'd felt nothing but love for him.

My heart had never stopped beating for him. The ultimate ruin of every relationship I'd ever been in since William. I'd never had enough room in my heart to love another.

The long driveway to the farm came into view twenty minutes outside of town. I turned off one gravel road onto another, spitting up stones and dust in my wake.

I came to a stop outside the farmhouse and just sat with my thoughts for a minute. This was my house—my farm as soon as I signed the paperwork.

It was surreal being back here. I climbed out of the truck and headed for the cow barn. My dad had told me they'd modernized it. Made it more comfortable when the cows were indoors.

The first thing I noticed when I walked inside was the skylights. So much light poured in that a few cows had decided to hang out in there rather than in the field.

I walked along between stalls that had new thick rubber mats and what looked to be …. I checked. Yup, the barriers between the stalls were flexible and more comfortable for the cows.

I was most anxious to see what had been done with the milking shed. It was a brand-new structure that had state-of-the-art milking equipment, according to my mom.

Wow.

In the center of the new large space was a rotary milking parlor that accommodated forty cows. No wonder the farm was in the red. There was only so much government grants would cover.

My first order of business was to hire a new accountant and incorporate the money from the sale of my apartment into the operating budget. We needed a new plan to make the farm work.

"Andrew!"

I turned to face my mom and barely had a moment to react to her leaping into my arms. She clung to me as if I would evaporate if she let go.

She stepped back, her hands on my shoulders. "How was the drive?"

"Long."

"What do you think of the new milking shed?

I smiled at her. "Impressive. Just gotta figure out how to pay for it."

"Your dad and I have talked about building another barn and getting more cows."

"Something to consider, but for now, I'm pumping the brakes."

My mom pressed her hands together. "You're in charge now. I'm sure you'll do what's best."

"You're putting a lot of faith into someone who's never run a dairy farm before."

"You're smart enough to figure it out. Your dad and I will help you get your feet." She wrapped her arm around my waist and led me back through the barn and toward the house.

"I have a few things to grab out of my truck."

"You certainly splurged. We have plenty of trucks here on the farm you could've used."

"I know, but I wanted something reliable." Not that I hated working on motors. As a farm kid, it was one of the things you learned how to do. I just wanted to minimize my responsibilities.

I lifted my one suitcase and carried it up the front steps. The house hadn't changed on the outside. Still white. Still sporting worn wooden floorboards on the big wraparound porch.

Inside hadn't seen an update either. It was going to be an adjustment after the modern chrome and glass amenities I'd become accustomed to. I needed to do some renovations.

"You can have our old room," my mom said. "Your dad and I have bought all new furniture for the apartment. More suitably sized."

My brow dipped. "I don't know, Mom. I might be more comfortable in my old room."

"Our room has an ensuite."

"I'll manage just fine." I laughed. "I can find my way to the bathroom without it being two steps from the bed."

"Suit yourself. It's your house." My mom fluttered her hands about. "Which reminds me. We can sign the papers tonight at the barbeque."

"What barbeque?"

"Did I not tell you?"

"No, Mom, you didn't." I set my suitcase down in the front entry.

"Oh well, Mark Anderson is our lawyer. We arranged to head over there tonight to sign the farm over. They're such wonderful people, they offered to have a barbeque for your return."

Pretty sure my face went white.

"William's parents are having a barbeque … for me?"

"They thought it would be a nice way to welcome you back. William will be there."

I shook my head. "Mom … no, I can't. I'm tired. I just want to sleep." I couldn't imagine anything worse than having William glaring daggers at me from across the yard. I'd rather spend the night sleeping on an active anthill. I needed to get out of this.

"Nonsense. We only need to stay for a little while. Don't you want to see William?"

I jammed my hand into my hair. "No, Mom, I don't want to see him."

She frowned at me. "Why?"

I flung my arm out to one side. "Because I was an asshole to him."

"The reason you haven't spoken to him." She crossed her arms.

"Yes, Mom."

"Maybe it's time you apologized to him, given you're back home again."

"It's not that simple."

"Andrew … what could you have possibly done to destroy your friendship?"

God dammit.

Stop already.

Pressure rose in my chest. I couldn't contain it.

"I broke his heart, all right. Are you happy now?"

All sorts of confusion scattered all over my mom's face. "Broke his heart?"

"We were a couple, Mom. In high school. He was my boyfriend."

Her eyebrows rose. "Oh." Then she smiled at me. "I wondered if something was going on between the two of you. You were practically in each other's laps when you were gaming."

You gotta be shitting me.

"You knew?"

"Suspected. Your dad and I discussed whether we should let the sleepovers continue."

My face turned fiery hot, licking heat up around my ears. "I don't know what to say."

"In the end, we decided you exploring sex for the first time with William was safer than you going out looking for it on the streets."

I was horrified. "The streets? I wasn't some kind of sexual deviant."

My mom waved her hand at me. "You know what I mean. William was safe. He was such a lovely boy. He still is. He dotes on his nieces and nephews. Makes such an amazing uncle."

I regained some of my where with all. Now that I had spilled my secret and had her talking, I needed to know more. My heart needed to know more.

"No kids of his own?"

"You want to know if he has a partner."

I sighed. "Does he?"

"He's kept to himself, according to his mom. Now, I know why. Not many gay men in town."

"Pretty sure William and I make up the entire population."

"That might be true. All the more reason to regain your friendship."

"I can make friends who aren't gay, you know. I am capable."

"Not what I meant."

I gripped both her hands. "Only until we've finished eating. I don't want to hang around."

"Beer and ribs, and then we're gone. I promise."

"And don't tell Dad about me and William until after we're back home. Please." My dad, God love him, had a habit of speaking when he shouldn't. Terrible with a secret. Not to be trusted with information about how William and I used to be together as boyfriends.

My dad wouldn't be as loose-lipped as to accidentally out him. William's secret, if it was indeed a secret, was safe. I just didn't want him to talk to William about our history.

"I won't tell your dad until tomorrow."

"Thank you." I lifted my suitcase and headed toward the staircase. The carpet was more worn than I remembered … and orange. Another expense. "What time are we leaving?"

"Around six."

"All right. I'm going to settle in. Have a quick nap and a shower. I'll be ready at six."

"Andrew, wait."

I looked back over my shoulder at her. "Yes, Mom … it's good to be home."

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WISHFUL THINKING; Copyright © 2025 by Gavin E. Black

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The story continues … 💗 When Andrew has an encounter with William at the barbeque. Can they see past the damage that was done?

Coming Thursday, July 24th!